I'm American, honey. Our names don't mean shit.

They're nuts.

 

It was not one of the best performances in college football history.

 

It was two of the best performances in college football history.

 

What Young did should only be portrayed by poets and painters, but since none seem to be available on such short notice — I guess they are watching the game film — let me give it a shot.

 

He outdid the last two Heisman winners at their own game, in their own city, on the national championship field.

Matt Leinart was excellent: 29-for-40, 365 yards, one touchdown and one interception. But Young was right there with him: 30-for-40, 267 yards and no interceptions.

 

Reggie Bush, despite an awful lateral attempt (genius isn't always perfect), had 177 combined rushing and receiving yards. But Young ran for 200 — on just 19 carries.

 

Oh, and he ran for three touchdowns, too ... including the game-winner ... on fourth down.

 

Four hundred sixty-seven yards from scrimmage. Let's put this into perspective. The national leader in total offense, Colt Brennan of Hawaii, averaged 371 yards per game. Only 12 teams averaged more than 467. And Young went out and got that by himself — against a team with a 34-game winning streak.

 

Obviously, USC's defense is not on the same level as its offense. But it is still plenty good. And Young chewed it up like Juicy Fruit.

 

Look at what Young did in just the last seven minutes of the game. Down 12 points, he led Texas on a 69-yard touchdown drive — and he ran or threw for every yard.

 

Then, down five, he led the Longhorns on a 56-yard touchdown drive — and ran or threw for every yard again (except for one five-yard penalty against USC).

 

Then he ran for a two-point conversion.

 

This wasn't about one amazing play, either. Only three plays went for more than 10 yards and none went for more than 20. Young simply grabbed real estate in medium-sized chunks, however he felt like it.

 

His most amazing attribute is not his arm (which is excellent) or his feet (which are incredibly quick). It's his size. Young is a legit 6-foot-5, and you just don't see 6-foot-5 guys making these kinds of moves. And you sure don't see them follow it up by flipping a spiral 40 yards down the field.

 

By the fourth quarter, it was clear that Pete Carroll and USC had no clue how to stop Young. You would think that a defensive mastermind like Carroll could take something away — either Young's passing or his running. But when receivers were covered, Young took off. And when the Trojans tried to lock down Young, he passed to an open receiver.

 

USC blitzed a few times, but Young is big enough to A) flick pass rushers away like they are ladybugs and B) keep looking downfield for receivers.

 

I hate to mention the NFL at a time like this, because that league hasn't produced a game this compelling since, well, ever. But at some point — either next week or next year — Vince Young is going to jump into the NFL draft pool. And if some team can't design an offense to capitalize on all his skills, the league needs to hand its TV contract over to the CFL.

 

NFL types go on and on about new blitzes, new blocking schemes, new ways to play the cover-three in second-half third-down situations when the wind is favoring the offense and the cheerleaders are overbleached. Why can't they figure out a way to properly use a guy like Vince Young?

 

Again: this guy just put together two of the greatest performances in college football history, and he did it in one game. Who was better on a stage this big? Red Grange? O.J. Simpson? Johnny Rodgers?

 

You keep looking. Maybe you'll find somebody. But you better come up with a really, really good argument — because I know a hundred guys from L.A. who will be very hard to convince.

 

-- Michael Rosenberg